Monday, September 14, 2009

Plummeting Self-Esteem

I don't think I've ever felt as weak as I do right now...Today in my Lifetime Wellness class we did bench press reps. Girls has 35 lbs and guys had 80 lbs. The girls before me kept saying how light it was. 35 lbs? No big deal right? I've lifted heavier, but then again, I've also had my lower body to help support me. I only had my arms for this. While the other girls did 30 reps with a metronome, I did a measly 5.

5! Are you kidding me? I probably could have done more, but you had to go up. down. up. down on the beats. And I couldn't. I felt useless. I still feel useless. But honestly, I can't help it. I have 10.2% body fat when the normal for my age and height is 18%-25%. From what I understand is that in order to gain muscle, you have to lose fat. I don't have anything to lose and therefore cannot gain. Say I do get stronger biceps and triceps. I'll look unproportional. I'd need to do wrist curls to get stronger forearm muscles to even it all out.

I'm also aware that I don't eat very healthy...I'll work on that too.

But my goodness. 5!? Why not...10? or 15? But 5? Self-esteem down the drain, man...I'm seriously wanting to cry.

Honestly, a few things I liked about having a room to myself was that I could work out by myself, listen to the kinds of music I love while I work out and get as stinky as I wanted. I would love to have muscle and strength and be a hauss. But with my poor, weak, weightless figure, it's an extreme challenge. I've had people tell me that they wish they had my body type and I've told them I wish I could have theirs and gain a few more lbs. I don't think they quite grasp the concept that it's easier to lose weight than it is to gain with someone like me. I eat. And I eat a lot. My metabolism breaks the food down faster than the normal rate. Do the math.

Okay, enough of Sour Sally...I think it's time I have a little chat with God...


Anonymous said...

(a). I am so glad you are blogging, I had to do a bit of reading to catch up but I must say that it was great fun to actually have to catch up on your blog =)

(b) Despite the fact you think you need to be stronger or whatever, you are absolutely lovely the way you are and I wish you wouldn't harp on yourself for all this body fat-toning crap or whatever. JESUS LOVES YOU AS YOU ARE AND YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL SO BEEEE HAPPEEEEEE!!

(c) I luff you! <3

(d) I LOVE TEA!! (response to your last post) we need to get together and drink it whenever I come out there.

(e) Did I say this already? I luff you!

Veggy Christian said...

I'm sorry you got so down today. Even at the risk of being repetitive I have to say that I would give a LOT to have your body, weak or not. It's a shame that so many of us are dissatisfied with our bodies. It seems like the easy thing for God to do would be to just give us the bodies we want so we can be happy and move on to bigger better things, you know? Then again, maybe the point is that overcoming dissatisfaction IS one of the bigger better things we have to do in life. Who knows? And to be honest, (and I always try to be honest) if I knew you had your body and were able to lift all the weight that you wanted, there'd be way to much jealousy going around to measure. That would just be way too perfect. You're so flippin beautiful, inside and out, and it SUCKS that you don't love your image as much as all these other girls do (including me...). You're obviously able to enjoy it in some ways since you can and do eat whatever and however much you want without showing any sign of it, but my goodness, you always want to tone it up or make it stronger somehow, and I guess that would be fine if you really found joy in the exercising, but don't let little insignificant failures get you down about yourself because seriously, you are GORGEOUS without even trying (and even when you don't wear makeup too! ^_^). It almost seems like the point (and the blessing!) of having your metabolism would be that you don't HAVE to exercise at all! Do you know how many people would kill for that? lol, I know, not that that will make YOU feel any better because you have different goals than they have, but still, it's so obvious to see I had to mention it. Don't take like for granted, ok? You have a body period, one that works. You can walk and talk and think and laugh, things that some people can't do at all, and praise God for that no matter what little quibbles you have about the skin you're in. It's just skin, just flesh. Go ahead and feel a little down about it for a LITTLE while until you realize the truth - that you are wonderful, amazing, and blessed - but don't let that feeling last too long. It isn't worth it (as I'm sure you know).
Big hug!! :D

Sketched on a Canvas said...

I love y'all. So very, very much. Thank you for taking the time to give such heart felt responses. I really needed to hear them. It brought me to tears, really. I don't know what I would do without y'all.


Veggy Christian said...

My pleasure darling, :D I'll never get tired of telling you how beautiful you are. I have plenty of my own self-image and self-esteem issues so I know how important strong support is. I'm here any and all the time for you! :)

Sketched on a Canvas said...

I'm so glad we're friends. I'm 99% sure that God is speaking through you ;D